I Had a Bite-Sized, Deep Conversation With My Spouse That Reset My Week

Have you had such a busy week that your relationship was put on the shelf?

Last week felt like that for me. My usual routine with my husband was altered for 11 nights, as we were hosting his mom. Some parts of her apartment were being renovated and it wasn’t healthy to sleep there. He had to wake early to ferry his mom to and fro. We had dinners with her too.

So when we had couple-time on Saturday, during lunch, I realized I didn’t know how his week went. We hadn’t chatted as freely during dinners. The dynamics were different with the three of us, even as she’s a lovely lady.

I didn’t want to ask him the usual “how are you”s. They normally produce vague responses.

So I started with this.

“What’s been on your mind lately?”

To my surprise, this question cut right to the heart of what was bothering him. It turned out to be a work issue that he hadn’t mentioned before.

All my “how’s your day”s couldn’t yield this insight. “What’s been on your mind” seemed to help him distill and communicate the issue that was frustrating him. His reply was also very succinct.

So we chatted about it. My follow-up questions allowed him to articulate the action steps he planned to take this week.

I didn’t share my response to this question, though. There was a consistency to my concerns that he already knew.

My next question came easily to me.

“What are you grateful for this week?”

I’ve been maintaining a gratitude practice for nearly 11 years now. It started with Gretchen Rubin’s one-sentence journal, which I kept for five years.

Then I shifted to weekly recollections of one thing I was grateful for, for each day of the week. I’d pen down these reminisces in my organizer. It trained my positive recall and bolstered my well-being.

My gratitude journaling was so powerful that on the worst day of my life in 2017, I could still document one thing I was grateful for.

So this question came naturally to me. My husband answered readily, sharing how his mom’s stay was smoother than he’d imagined. He sounded relieved as he said each word.

Then I shared what I was grateful for, also on the same theme, along with the couple-time we were having that day.

Talking about what we were grateful for helped us feel closer. It’s no wonder researchers have found that practicing gratitude is associated with greater happiness and stronger relationships.

“What’s one new thing you’d like to try this week to make it better?”

This question didn’t come spontaneously to me. We were having quiet moments over lunch as I thought of a good question to wrap things up.

What could I ask to build on both our worries and gratitude, and improve our new week?

I was thinking so hard that my spouse looked up from his meal and asked what was on my mind.

By then, I’d formulated my question, so I posed it. I was partly inspired by my observation of some bad habits developing in the past week, both his and mine.

My question gave voice to what he already wanted for himself: sleep earlier and go for an evening walk at least thrice this week.

I rode on his idea and offered to keep him accountable, by walking with him after dinner.

Then I shared what I’d wanted to improve: stay off Instagram and Facebook for a week. Saying it helped me commit to my goal immediately.

This question reset our week. By Wednesday evening, we’d gone on three evening walks. As of today, I’m still off social media. In its place, I discovered a treasure trove of brain food in the form of a neglected subscription, Substack reads, and my library of books.

Looking back, it’s amazing how three simple questions created a safe space for us to share, bond, and grow together. I didn’t expect our chat to be both short and actionable, but hey, deep conversations needn’t be long and ponderous. They can be wholesome, bite-sized food too.

More poignantly, this conversation was holistic and covered all ground:

1. The first question helped us unload and reach some catharsis

2. The second question reconnected us to the good that we appreciate in our lives and each other, no matter how small

3. The third question helped us look to the future and shape it constructively. It reminded us of our internal locus of control and allowed us to help each other along the way, strengthening our relationship

I’m going to riff off these questions on Saturday. Let’s see how our upcoming week goes.

Do you have go-tos for deep conversations? I’d love to hear from you.